You Don't Listen

http://theoatmeal.com/blog/awkward_movies

And while this comic is just dealing with an awkward situation through humor, it is a sign of a deeper social decay. 

It is just an example of how objective-oriented culture and communication has become. 

Before we continue, the above example is the closing conversation, but it happens with opening conversations too:
1 
2 

So what does that mean, when both beginnings and endings to conversations are gone? All that is left is the middle - the facts and meat of the conversation, usually dealing with the business that caused the need for the engagement in the first place. Pleasantries and thoughtfulness are left behind. Pleasantries and thoughtfulness that make you engage with people in real ways. 

So not only do you not listen, by extension, continuing the train of events, you do not want A. a chance at a meaningful conversation outside, and B. (therefore) a chance at making new friends. 

That is one of the many ways to make friends, is it not? 
1. Engage stranger
2. Meaningful conversation
3. Continuing conversations and gatherings 
4. Friendship

--

This doesn't mean you can't make friends otherwise (of course), but you are, however insignificantly, affecting your chances. 

Don't argue that these are comics and art and fun - everyone knows art imitates life

You Know Nothing (Jon Snu)

(And if you get that reference I like you a little more)

We've all been in the situation where either we have been told (reproachfully) that we "don't know anything" about the situation - or where we have ourselves have committed this accusation. 

It is commonly said in heated situations (and we're not all hotheaded or confrontational enough to personally experience it), but that doesn't mean there isn't a relevant lesson for everyone. 

Why is this such a well-known social situation? Because judgments are made too early - and this happens when people don't have a full grasp of situations. While this isn't difficult to extrapolate, let's take it a step further... not having grasp of the situation occurs because of our assumptions, overestimation of our understanding, and lack of communication. 

1. Assumptions

In the construction of your life you have built yourself a nice rule-book. You have done this whether or not you are aware of it and you are not given an option. That rule-book is unique and you trust it until you are given reason to think otherwise - either through direct attack or new situations. However, that rule-book is not the only answer to behavior in life, though personally you act as though it was. Your rule-book is perfect for you. Other people have their own, and it doesn't necessarily align (and neither are these differences obvious even to the most acquainted people). When interacting or empathizing with another we have to keep this in mind. They don't necessarily play by the same rules. Losing sight of this is an easy way to fracture situations or relationships. 

1. Understanding

Overestimating our understanding of situations goes hand-in-hand with the previous point. To think that our rule-book applies to their complex situation or to think that we can ever purely understand what another is going through is folly. 

1. Communication

Even though the previous (pessimistic) statements may be true that of course doesn't mean you shouldn't try. But you have to communicate in open, honest and effective ways. "Open and honest communication" is common colloquial terminology, and if you are capable of this you should work on the effectiveness of your communication. This is to say that not only are you using the most effective and accurate descriptions of your feelings, but also that you are probing your conversation partner for their understanding and you are also explaining the reasoning behind each point you are making. 

Everyone's life is as complex as yours - and to try to fix/understand/help/affect another's can be equally complex (especially in the heated situations when this phrase is used). 

Exercise: Your Knowledge and Experience is not Final, Even in this Exact Moment

People work to cope with their environments. You are always working to keep your life in order and hopefully to even make that action easier on yourself. Beyond that we are trying to understand the fundamental building blocks that add up to our lives (these being social, cultural, community related oddities or events). 

Again, hopefully you understand that your environment is constantly changing and any current final understanding you think you have is only a passing egotistical congratulation. It is folly to believe otherwise. 

And I can prove it to you now even in this moment. Stay with me here.

You are reading this on your computer or phone. You have tunnel vision and you are now aware of it. You will continue reading but now also force your peripheral vision. You can see the glasses on your face, your shirt, your coworkers or family in the background. You smell your house or your office and it doesn't smell like anything because you are so very accustomed to it. You feel your heartbeat and your hand on the mouse or phone. You hear any array of background noises. 

These are just some of simplest, extremely personal examples of (barely) external events that you are tuning out. Now while this isn't world-changing in the moment, ask yourself what else are you missing? 

Try this exercise next time you are driving. The the amount of information you ignore is startling. And that is the point; this is happening all the time. Expanding your presence in the moment you are in (by even a little bit) every day can have dramatic consequences:

• Noticing the defensive stance of your coworkers 
• Noticing the impending accident on the roadway due to the reaction of a pedestrian, cyclist, and the motorist on their phone

Your understanding is not final and you can always improve every facet of your life. Do not be placated. 

---

Quick Warning
Exercising this on the roadway can be dangerous. In my own experience I have been borderline overwhelmed with the sheer amount of information you are capable of intaking while forcibly taking down the tunnel vision. Try it a few times but be prepared for information overload. This short exercise should be used to reveal the tunnel vision in your everyday life rather than practiced constantly while driving. 

Egotistic Actions Disguised as Altrustic: A Social Disaster

Two of the great movers in our world are egotistic and altruistic motives. You choose options that reinforce yourself or you choose options that reinforce your community. Although sometimes these motives are aligned to "right" and "wrong", the confusion between the two is more detrimental than if the action was embraced in its own pure nature (wholly altruistic or egotistic). 

Consider the recent ALS "ice bucket challenge."

While the result of this viral phenomena is a net-good for researching the cure to a costly disease, regular people (outside of the celebrity world, which the challenge is famous for) are artificially inflating their ego by performing a perceived altruistic action. 

The filming, the reaction, the sharing - these are all egotistic events that are disguised as net altruism. And while individually this is not a particularly life-changing event, as a community we are deceiving ourselves. At the end of it all, we felt like we've accomplished something. We raised $100 million dollars, but could we not have done more? Could we have done it without needing our own ego stroked? Individuals now feel accomplished - they will sit back and relax and do no more for too long. 

This was one of the first very viral social media charity successes to pervade our culture. And for decades before this many people have done no charity, and now they will use this passing moment to bathe themselves publicly in altruism, and privately (even subconciously) in their same old egotistical nonchalance. 

Special: Crazy "Crazy" Movie Theorists

Warning: post may need to be read twice, please see closing note. 

Have you ever seen those (very reasonable) arguments that movie plots are the story of insane minds?

They are everywhere, here's just a couple easy ones:
Harry Potter
http://www.tickld.com/x/what-harry-potter-is-actually-about-childhood-ruined
Pokemon (it's a game obviously, but you get the idea)
http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Ash's_Coma

Some even go so far as to embrace the idea in the movie:
Shutter Island
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shutter_Island_(film)
Sucker Punch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sucker_Punch_(2011_film)

These are interesting but you don't have to read them now as they are not the basis for the rest of this post. 

Why is this such a popular and intriguing idea? Well for one, some of these theories are very compelling. But if you take a step back, consider how interesting the Theorists themselves must be.

Consider this... Most people watch movies. They are interested and enraptured in the plot. They are drawn in and are committed to the story. They care what happens to the main characters and how the climax unfolds.

These Theorists however aren't just done when the credits start rolling. They are committed. They go beyond the normal conclusion. They pick it apart and frame it. 

Maybe because that's how the Theorists' brain works in the first place. I posit that this person may have the first signs of a sick mind themselves.

Thoughts? Is this line of logic sound?

--

If this post was a little difficult to get on the first read through, please try again with the definition of the new propper noun, Theorists, in mind. 

PS. I haven't been able to find a depository of these types of theories. They can be very interesting and a blog or some type of forum featuring these movie analyses could be successful.

Exponential Growth Leads to a Battle with Generational Empathy

Insight into each other's lives is how we get along socially. Empathy is important. But what if the very foundation to relate to one-another is challenged?

The empathetic and compassionate understanding vital to inter-generational cooperation is becoming more and more socially unmanageable as the world each generation resides in rapidly changes. 

In the past family traditions stuck, fathers taught sons their trade and their ways... who taught their sons, on and on... Now sons can become their own people with great choice - leading to greater separation of worlds. 

Think about yourself as a person now. Now think about your parents at the your age. Now think about how you talk to your parents and what about. Take a moment... 

How much of those things share commonality? Most of what filters through is deep-seeded beliefs and personal characteristics, and not much more. 

No longer are the days of parents understanding children's worlds because the two worlds are now so different.

As with the rise of the industrial and tech eras, and the exponential acceleration of the revolutionary, life-changing inventions in those eras, so does our ability to relate to external generations diminish. As economy demands that industry move faster and faster, soon (or already?) the cycle will be faster than a human lifetime causing our ability to relate inter-generationally to fade.

Inter-generational discounting is a prevalent idea and is often most notably demonstrated with climate change concerns:

"The difficulty of avoiding dangerous climate change arises from a tension between group and self-interest and is exacerbated by climate change’s inter-generational nature. The present generation bears the costs of cooperation, whereas future generations accrue the benefits if present cooperation succeeds, or suffer if present cooperation fails. Although temporal discounting has long been known to matter in making individual choices, the extent of temporal discounting is poorly understood in a group setting."

The importance of teaching children how to think and not exactly what to think is more and more important. As your worlds diverge they will need tools they can use in any world, not just the knowledge of yours.  

Transcending the Parental Superhero

As children, our parents (or other adults) are smart, kind, and fit perfectly in the big world. They are our idols and masters - our superheroes.

As teenagers we start to notice things though; Cracks in the armor of our parents, slips of the tongue, clumsy mistakes. As these occurrences pile up you realize they are human, just like you.

In young adulthood we may start to notice some characteristics where you have to flat-out entertain the idea that some of their weaknesses are your strengths. They've gone from superhero, to a flawed-superhero (what superhero doesn't have weaknesses?), to human... but now you have some superior characteristics?

This is contradictory to our classic view of our parents; it is difficult to reconcile the superheroes of our childhood with newly discovered categorical flaws.

In 25 years you go from helpless god-servant to transcending your superhero. [note that the movement from defining parents as gods to superheroes deserves its own intellectual moment]

Neither the child nor the parent should feel anything but happiness with each passing stage.
"Most people in most countries have been doing steadily better in human development. Advances in technology, education and incomes hold ever-greater promise for longer, healthier, more secure lives." 
This can show even between single generations. 

The parent should not be offended, but proud that their offspring are better versions of themselves. The child should be humble, but not apprehensive about breaking the parental superhero - it is a natural and positive adventure.

---

Closing thoughts
This is somewhat of a dangerous subject - especially for the overconfident, rebellious, and zealous young mind:

Keep in mind the pure folly in comparing oneself to another. This thought-experiment is not to encourage this behavior as it is purely destructive - it is to acknowledge the cognitive dissonance occurring in the minds of the growing youth.

Great people have humility and do not overstep the parent-child relationship. This is not a tool to be used to break chains, but to evolve as an adult.

Freedom from Assimilation

The Current State

Everyone is raised to emulate. As children we copy words and actions, as teenagers we copy ideas and personalities. At first you copy to survive, later you copy to be accepted.

Even consider what "accepted" here means. Teenagers copy to be accepted, which is to avoid being ostracized. Animals ostracized from their group-cultures often means death - perhaps to young adults subconsciously it means the same thing.

The Transition

Taking into consideration that well adjusted adults do not emulate and children do emulate, realize that there is a transition somewhere. At some point, consciously or not, people realize they have all the tools to survive and no longer need to emulate (or at least significantly less).

Though figuring this out is an almost existential discovery, no one ever says that's what part of being adult is.

The Problem

Some people don't learn to stop emulating. They do not overcome the deep-rooted idea that emulation = survival. And while true and necessary at first-life, your ability to be an adult stuck with this idea is hindered.

Consider, that instead of struggling through life-problems and overcoming them through self discovery one may look for answers in how others overcame their obstacles, and while people do survive this way, learning and evolution does not occur. And when eventually a unique obstacle emerges where there is nothing to emulate, those without previously learned survival skills can fail.

Often, the most broken people are stuck in assimilation cycles. 

The Solution

Realizing life has no rule book or plan for you allows you to stop emulating and take the reigns to shape your life.

This distinction is profound.
Some helpful questions in determining assimilative behavior:
Are you a leader?
Do you fit into a common archetype or "group" of people?
Can you make a lot of broad definitional statements about yourself?
Do you enjoy approval?
Do you have a lot of contrary ideas to those around you?

Threatening the Self

Fact based arguments often have a hard time overcoming long-held beliefs that people tie to the self.

Studies show that threatening the self, especially through facts can be damaging to the argument's source and can further entrench the misinformed in their beliefs.

It also states that: "When there’s no immediate threat to our understanding of the world, we change our beliefs. It’s when that change contradicts something we’ve long held as important that problems occur."

One way to overcome this problem is by separating the self from the threatening argument. This can be done through self-affirmation, and specifically fortifies what you believe to be you, apart from the new information. 

It is easy to fall into a locked down, defensive mindset. This is rarely helpful though and should often be actively fought against. Can you think of a time where being defensive was helpful in improving your life or expanding your knowledge?

--

This whole concept also plays into the idea that actively seeking knowledge that refutes or argues against what you believe to be true fosters growth. 

After all, how can you truly believe your knowledge in a potentially "controversial" subject if you haven't tried to understand the opposition's perspective? 

--
On the surface, people don't like honesty, they like their view of the world to be confirmed. Both parties putting work into a discussion can resolve many issues, however with the imperfect communication strategies many of us have, sometimes there is little hope for reform (for either side).

Though even this knowledge can be helpful for everyone. Realize that sometimes you are the dense one and need to separate the argument from the self. Also realize that a receiver to your information may be this person. 

Upon realizing this, it may be time to try this new communication strategy or simply decide the conversation is not worth pursuing (which is not inherently a bad thing).

New Challenges

It is easy to be reserved in the face of new life challenges or problems. However, when approaching these new situations do not focus on your actual cognitive and physical ability to complete the objective. Instead take stock of your previous experience in overcoming challenges, specifically your problem solving and reactionary skills, and harness that knowledge in your upcoming endeavor. 

Consider also how often situations turn out differently than what first analysis might reveal. Tirtiary understanding can rarely be trusted. (This counts for both yours and a third parties first analysis). Knowing this, when approachingy a new life territory, fortify your existing strengths and don't worry about he unknown. 

Those lacking self confidence in the face of bigger life problems may have an easier time improving by focusing on these two skills, instead of letting the looming problem dominate their thoughts. 

People Don't Mean What They Say

This is not meant in a manipulative sense - it means people want to impart their deep understanding of some things but are forced into the construct of short conversation and language.

Though you want to try to deliver your knowledge/feelings/understanding to another person, rarely can you conjure a perfect few sentences to encapsulate all that you mean. And if those words did exist, it can hardly come up during everyday conversation - you simply don't have enough time to put thought into your words, you just have to spit out whatever is closest in your mind. 

Take this into mind during your conversations. Realize your conversation partner's frustration with complicated subjects. Try and extrapolate their thinking, and don't be passive. It's very discouraging to have to do all the work in a conversation without helpful probing questions. 

This becomes especially important if something is said that pushes barriers or buttons - try and understand how that statement makes sense instead of recoiling defensively. (Though take this statement only with your closer relationships, as people saying offensive things early in relationships have their own complications)

Dodge Conversation for Action

Japanese samurai culture considered smiling and talking as a sign of weakness in combat. This is because smiling and talking only lead to excuses - decisions change circumstances, talking rarely does so. 

The premise is that during times of trial, one should let actions speak for you.

Oftentimes in todays world it is easy to get wrapped into conversation, when action is almost always more valuable. The best conversations even lead to actions. 

Samurai knew this and acted first, and corrected errors later with words and more actions. They recognized that acting, without devoting even tertiary conversation, was often the correct choice - and that that choice would be reached with, or without conversation.

Those that spoke begged for their lives, those that didn't speak were the deciders. 

A Second Look: High Want to Change - High Self Awareness

I have been requested to readdress the complaint that many people feel stuck in the upper right quadrant.

This is the information presented in that post:

Second, High Want to Change - High Self Awareness
People in this section would not spend over a few weeks, months, or years in it. With high will to change and a mindset that allows them to see all aspects, the situation would change quickly. There is not much to say here as the double positive's benefits are self-evident.

The response follows:

There is no way to be "stuck" in this phase. If you feel both highly aware of yourself and your environment, and also have a high will to change this situation resolves itself and you return to the lower left quadrant. 

Those that feel stuck here have their head in the clouds. You are much more likely to be in the top left or lower right sections. You either consider yourself more self aware than you are in reality or you do not actually want to change. 

Before going forward please review the other sections:

http://fftwilson.blogspot.com/2013/10/self-awareness-look-into-personal.html

There are three scenarios that then play out going forward.

1. You need to re-evaluate your life choices, environment, and what makes you, you.

Any change in this attitude will affect your whole equilibrium and your position on my crudely drawn map. If you are sure of your understanding of yourself, continue.

2. You don't have as much want to change as you thought, so your choices and lifestyle continue drifting.

Being aware of the changes you want to make doesn't mean you have the willpower to act on your new realizations (and that's okay). You can realize your flaws but still be unable to overcome them, or overcome them soon. Here you may need to plan time to change. If you find you can't put enough time towards change, are you sure you want it at all? Not wanting it enough will leave you here, with anxiety. I advise finding your breakthrough moment to change, or accepting that now is not the right time and changing your mindset back down to the lower left section. This will reduce your anxiety as you move your misguided self awareness to the back of your mind, where you can return to it later. 

3. You realize what you have is actually what you want so return to the resting position in the lower lefthand section. 

Calmly considering all of these scenarios, you may even find the right course of action is to change your mindset entirely. This is actually a desired resting state between moments of breakthrough change. 

Improving Motivation Through Non-Zero Days and Doublethink

We all feel down sometimes. I believe a major contributor to this is zero progress to our long-term goals. But then we don't always have the energy/time to get up and make those calls, or go to the gym, or change ourselves, or invest in a new system. 

First, backup, you don't have the energy or time to put into your goals? First, make sure these goals are something you really want to do, because if you are creating barriers for yourself when only you are a potential benefactor, then maybe you need to re-describe your goals. Or maybe your goals are realistic, but you are just thinking too broadly and in grandeur? 

Any large project can be broken into small pieces. You're not looking hard enough if you can't see them. 

A better way to get yourself motivated is not getting wrapped up and discouraged by the perfect state - try considering the breakdown of commitment and commitment levels. 

First the problem of commitment. "I don't have time to write a book." might your goal and problem with motivation. Stop thinking about the time investment. This isn't about time. It's about your book. Now, that we're over that - lie to yourself about what you're going to do. No, you read that right. Lie. Say, "I'm just going to think about this for a little bit and stop and write some notes." This is your commitment level. You'll have plenty of "time" to work on your other commitments since its just a few lines and some dedicated thought. 

You may know, or come to know, that the this starting minimum investment actually will blossom into a much larger investment, but that is what you deny yourself. 

You didn't realize it as it happened but you are committing to a non-zero day. You are also committing to doublethink. 

First the non-zero day concept popularized in a comment by /u/ryans01:

"...What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single ... thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. Didnt' do anything all ... day and it's 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. ... When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of [behavior] is keeping the vortex [going], that's what you're used to. Turning into [a] productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from [this negative spiral]. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS...

"[The point behind this idea is] this: you become what you think ... the WAY you think, the THINGS you think of, and the IDEAS YOU HOLD IN YOUR MIND defines the sum total that is you. You procrastinate all the time and got fear and worry goin on for something? You are becoming a procrastinator. You keep thinking about how much you want to run that 5 k race in the spring and finish a champion? Are ya keeping it in mind all the time? Is it something that is defining your ACTIONS and influencing you DECISIONS? If it is, then you're becoming the champion you're dreaming about. Dreaming about it makes it. Think and it shall be. But do not forget that action is thought's son. Thoughts without actions are nothing. Have faith in whatever it is you've steeled your mind to. Have faith and follow through with action.

"...but how does that help me turn slightly nonzero days into hugely nonzero days ... Ask yourself: What do I think of? When you get home and walk in the door. (how quickly did you turn that laptop on? Did turning it on make you closer to your dreams? What would?) At the bus stop. Lunch break. What direction are you focusing your intentions on? ..."

Non-zero days are the first ingredient. Second is doublethink.

Doublethink is, in short, "to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them." 

Doublethink, while an Orwellian, dystopian concept, can be used for good especially in first jumpstarting motivational actions and thoughts. It allows you to both start your potentially large contribution to your end-goal, but also keep yourself in the moment by only guaranteeing yourself a very short investment. 

Practicing doublethink in the early stages of overcoming your problems with motivation will soon lead to more and more non-zero days, soon allowing you to abolish doublethink all together. 

While learning and practicing both of these concepts may be a new technique altogether, the underlying problems with motivation mentioned earlier may be finally addressed in individuals with poor self motivation. 

Remorse and Regret are Corruptions of Hindsight

Though the constructive and problem avoidance centers of your brain are always actively archiving and reminding us to not repeat our mistakes, we often dwell too heavily, resulting in living in the past and worrying about the future.

To be evolving creatures we need to live in the now and improve our future. Dropping past events and acting in the now and for the future is always the right decision when compared to remorse and regret.

Those negative events you dwell on have already changed your brain chemistry. Trust yourself that this is the case. Even though you may have acted incorrectly or wish that things could have been different so that your life now is different, it is all over now.

I am reminded of the serenity prayer, of which I encourage belief in;

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference

Everyone has their regrets, but the knowledge that remorse and regret are corruptions of hindsight, hopefully can grant some freedom from their mistakes or negative experiences.