Forgiveness

Every aspect of your adult, calming, rational self talk comes back to every aspect of your relationship with the core of the truth of forgiveness. I know that was a lot of adjectives around the nouns in that sentence but that is because it is a core truth. 

Many failures must be met with nigh-immediate forgiveness which enables growth and learning. These failures can be internal and external - whether you are the victim or the perpetrator. 

"Nigh-immediate" is key as one can become caught in a spiral of too-quick-to-learn-from forgiveness cycles and continue with increasingly risk-seeking behaviors until luck runs out. In the learning phase of "failure" precautions and safety measures need to be explored. 

In terms of failure, pain of some nature must befall the perpetrator. This failure pain can be physchological, cultural, political, monetary, physical, etc. Pain must be internalized, accepted, and incorporated into oneself to enable learning. But, on the other hand if the failure-pain goes unrecognized or the blame is wrongly assigned or rationalized then forgiveness may not occur. Failure would've been ignored, discounted, or excused.

If self-forgiveness is too quickly snapped to, learning can't occur. This is a major differentiating factor between learning from internal failures and trusting others with their external failures: 
Internal failures must be eventually forgiven and it is only the self-actualized self that can grant it. External failures must be forgiven because we don't often have direct control. One must trust also that the perpetrator can forgive themselves, learn, and not repeat their failure or at least reduce collateral damage. 

Self-awareness is key. A failure where you are both the perpetrator and the sole victim should be easiest to address. But maybe that makes it the hardest because failures like this are most easily hidden and repeated. Failure-pain can't be realized if no one internal or external notices and brings it to light. 

External failures, while not often under our control, give us a chance to exercise our empathy muscles, understand external core motives, and forgive. External failures we experience collateral damage from repeatedly eventually move from the position of "out of our control" to "within our control" as we begin to subject ourselves to them if they are repeated externally but we have remained within the external-failure's "blast-radius". Realizing this one may enter fight-or-flight by either addressing the external failure source face to face in the light of truth - or increase distance between that source. 

One way to fail better is to first try to reduce collateral damage. Damage that is caused by your personal-internal failures should not unfairly cause physchological, cultural, political, monetary, or physical pain to another. If it is recognized, it should be low-hanging fruit for self-improvement. As one reduces this external collateral damage and exercises that muscle, one can eventually expect to lower the internal pain as well. 

For what is the external but another's internal? You're closer than you think. 

Remember, failure and success are rarely binary - it is a sliding scale. Repeating failures, learning from them, and trying your best again is the natural order. Exercise constraint with moderate success and hubris for moderate failure. 

When results are clearly binary; 
Celebrate! 
Or recognize rock-bottom!
You'll be okay either way.

Here's some quotes to inspire you (which helped inspire this piece)...

Most psychologists recommend mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us and moving on from the past, instead of allowing bitterness and anger toward others to eat away at us. Although burying the hatchet usually brings peace to the soul, there may be some exceptions to that advice, such as a case of sexual abuse. Sometimes a victim becomes more empowered when given permission to not forgive.Self-forgiveness is often the first step toward a more loving and positive relationship with yourself, and therefore with others.
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/forgiveness

In the end, your effort is the only thing that's completely within your control. The effort, not the result... is what makes success or failure. If you get to the end of an instance and you have tried your unreserved very best you have been successful.
- raisingchildren.net

Boundaries; The Land and Sea

Boundaries, transitions, and changes between two disparate phases or physical forms is a major life catalyst. The variance and excess of life at these transitions is most elegantly demonstrated between the water and land - consider the coral reef. On the other hand, realize there is lack of life in the desolate, unchanging wastes where scenery doesn't transition for miles. This law of nature is not only relevant for the external to oneself, but also the internal. Realize that change must be embraced to inspire a richer and more diverse life.

Be present and don't live in the past. If you are on land and miss water, go to the water or vice versa. Don't miss, waste energy, or spend time dwelling on what could be or could have been. Energy is time and time is the only thing you'll never get back. Your one true currency.

Additionally, If you are otherwise obligated to be in the water and you still miss the land... redouble and embrace your active presence to keep inspiring life, and bide your time and let the anticipation build for that release when you finally do return to the land. Either miss it and actively await it's return or release its relevance to your life. Forget about it; find new land and return there. 

Discover new land always, but don't get addicted to the always new lands and waters. One must return to some of the same waters and lands repeatedly in order to build, rebuild, and strengthen. Your quality of life in the rooms you occupy only increases with time spent again and again. It is an iterative process. 

Failure in a land cannot mean an 100% abandonment rate of returning to that land. 

On the other hand, if you stay in the water too long you get swept out to the desolate seas, if you stay on land too long the lands turn to ash beneath your feet and you will deserve it.

Just as the sea crashes into land, life is a series of waves that will wash you from sea to land or vice versa. The question is will you fight the wave or ride it and tame it's violence. Use the waves to launch your ship to sea or surf it to shore. There is no correct answer. Life is in balance, rhythm, waves, and choice.

The phone

May I humbly suggest a replacement word for the every day device we call a phone - or specifically a smart phone. I am talking about the pure colloquial description and use of the word. That word, or acronym is PSD; Personal Social Device. It is more apt. It fits the use more. 

First, dictionary definitions:

• Personal :
• of or concerning one's private life, relationships, and emotions rather than matters connected with one's public or professional career.
• Social :
• relating to society or its organization.
• Device :
• a thing made or adapted for a particular purpose, especially a piece of mechanical or electronic equipment.

Personal because no one ever touches it. It is private property. That is meaningful. No one physically touches it without your permission - you trust - except the corporations whose one sided user agreement signs away your personal profile as a product. 

Social because the use of the device is social but veiled; It is a disconnect, a barrier, an in-between, a go-between. It is a great way to get an easy dose of social endorphins without the commitment. The long term effect of this lack of commitment decays and penetrates your future invites to larger/longer term social activities. It turns these invites into dreadful, insurmountable monuments that are easier to turn down than to accept. Cancelling plans and making excuses for some is its own endorphin hit. 

Device because at its core, despite its magic qualities, it is hand-held tool. Most other hand tools in your life are for very specific jobs. Jobs which are intermediate and a means to an end. The corruption of the PSD is that it is a stalling tool and it perpetuates its own use. Access to the internet at the fingertips gives everyone a sense of urgency, panic, and that they may miss out on the constantly refreshing content of their friends/celebrities/news/etc. 

A user of a device is subject to all the weaknesses and limitations of the device itself. 

There is great raw power in PSD/The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy/phone...etc. With great computational power comes great responsibility. 

I have a weird relationship with language

Why? Because. Are you familiar with the concept of bias? Of the bias inherent in speech and language. 

Every word you use to express yourself is in the dictionary. Very few people have ever read the dictionary, much less look up definitions occasionally. And this is not about them anyway. 

More aptly, most people learn words from other people and context. So the words they learn and then use are from characters (read: primary influencers; parents, teachers, progenitor,  best friends, heroes, enemies, and especially abusers) which one can emulate or not. But whose character is built into the use of the word. History, context, and experience build layers into each word. 

So individuals communicating together depend on accurate, true, meaningful, impactful, heartfelt, and devastating word choice. And one can only trust that their partner can see through and overcome the veil of both people's bias to find true mutual understanding. 

Tearing apart the veil and bias takes effort - which many don't have or have given up on.

Now multiply this concept for the speaker and listener by every word they use in every terse or verbose interaction. 

Now dissect it in real time.